Middle School Mom Chronicles - The prelude I never meant to write

Before you read this post, please keep in mind that I wrote it just a day ago while feeling very emotional and crying hard. When I decided to launch this blog I knew in my heart there would be raw moments in my life that I would write about and this is one of them. Please excuse my vagueness throughout the post, for all of the feelings I am having, my daughter is having just as big of ones if not bigger, I understand this far better than she could ever believe. This is just as much her experience as it is mine and so the details of this particular incident are not mine to share.

This morning I was angry, sad and scared all at once. There were, and continue to be bursts of tears. I keep wondering what did I wrong and how I could have avoided all of what is currently happening, knowing that in the grand scheme of things my situation isn’t as terrible as what some other parents are going through. On so many levels it’s nowhere near it but for now, in this moment it feels big and painful and I want it to stop.

All of what I am feeling comes on the heels of a series of posts that I had started working on called Middle School Mom Chronicles which was meant to be funny, honest and deeply emotional. I had planned for the first one to be funny, but I guess this is life happening while I made other plans.

I suppose this could be the first one, the one that explains without explaining why this series feels important to write.

The past few days have been a rollercoaster, anger, sadness, exhaustion, disappointment and longing for the baby and toddler days that have passed to quickly.

I have tried to teach my kids that there are consequences for every action and/or choice we make and that even the simplest choices there must be accountability.

Unfortunately on Friday I had to back up my statements and follow through. My bluff was called and the worst part is, my daughter hadn’t made a calculated effort to do so, just made a poor choice.

It really fucking hurt.

I had to take away the first dance of 7th grade at the end of the first week of finally not wearing a mask to school and after two years of living in abnormal times.

Normal appeared for a minute and it was gone.

I had to take away a BIG FIRST and it sucked.

I am so mad… mad for being put in that position, mad for having to follow-thru and mad for hurting her in this way. My younger self hates me. Hell... my adult self, even my therapist self who knows my decision is right hates me. I had to make a choice and now I have to live with the consequences.

There is a part of me that just wants her to yell at me and get it out. Tell me that she hates me for doing this and that I just ruined her 12 year old life, that’s how I would feel, that is how I feel. If she did then maybe I could stop imagining what’s going through her head.

I want anger not sadness. I want to say I’m sorry even though I know I will follow it with, “but I had to do this to get you to hear the message. So you don't make a bigger mistake later and the punishment and consequences are far worse than this”.

But... I did say some of that, because I had you. Shrouded in I told you so.

I want to say I’m sorry with no buts because I know how badly this hurt and this was never what I wanted to have to do as a parent. As I type that I get mad again and think I shouldn’t have had to do it, I wasn’t supposed to do have to do this with her and I don't even no why. I realize I expected too much of both of us. I expected my 12 year old to not make mistakes and that was wrong of me.

So now here I am stuck between being a prior therapist and always a mom, in a tornado of logic and emotion trying to pull myself out and begging for someone, anyone to hit the pause button…

for.just.one.minute.

Let me feel my feelings so I can help her feel hers and get through it.